Thanks to everyone for the support. I need it, I really do.
I am ashamed to be going to court beause of my alcoholism. I am.
I believe I deserve whatever sentence I get, no matter what it is.
I am guilty as sin for what I am charged with. I have tried to push this
to the back of my mind during these last weeks and focus only on my recovery. This is what is important. I don't believe I'm staying sober as a
result of this, but it sure did open my eyes.
Whatever happens will be less then I deserve for all the years that I have relapsed and all the pain I have caused to others (and myself) in my life.
Worst case would be to be led away in handcuffs and I don't think that will
happen, but if it does, I don't care. I will deal with whatever it is so I can
move on to the other side and keep on with recovery.
I should have lost my job multiple times in the past few years and I didn't
My son's should hate me for the hurt and worry that I have put them through
these last years and they don't.
Bottom line I should be dead and I'm not.
Dealing with this stone cold sober is painful and exhausting. I'm not used to dealing with anything front and center without obliterating myself as a coping mechanism.
The obsession to drink has not been there at all, except yesterday and it was incredibly strong while it lasted. I've never, ever given it a chance to pass before. I've always jumped on that as an excuse to run out and drink.
The fact that I did not is not of my own making. It must be God. A God that I don't understand at all, don't feel connected with as far as anything spiritual goes, but do believe is there. This has got to be a start, its all that I've got, and there is no other explanation for not relapsing. I am praying as best as I can. Not for any particular outcome, just the strength to get through this, assistance and guidance to remain sober and gratitude that I have made it so far to date.
Thanks again everyone and I will check in again after court tomorrow and I will stay sober no matter what.