Reaching Out
I am about 5 1/2 weeks sober and this is a miracle in itself. I am a queen of relapsers and I know I have to do things much different this time in order to stay sober.
I am reaching out here, even though it goes against every grain of my being and I don't exactly know why that is. I don't have to understand it right now, just do sobriety different and I am trying as hard as I can.
So...my last relapse was on January 20th. It was the night before my birthday and I wasn't feeling badly at all. The thought came to me I should have a glass of wine or two to celebrate when I got off work and I did.
I remember having three glasses and fast forward to blacking out completely and coming to in jail without a shred of memory as to what happened. Put together, friends had called me a cab and I had attacked the cab driver and was arrested and put in jail for Drunk and Disorderly.
This started my journey in recovery one more time. This time I have stayed sober since and it has felt completely different. I have come to understand concepts that have been taught to me over and over and I guess I never comprehended them before. These concepts seem to be working this time, I get it and it is a whole different ride for me.
Anyway, tomorrow is my court date and I am terrified and I am reaching out.
Yesterday for the first time, I was hit with a compulsion/obsession to drink so big that it felt like a punch in the gut. It literally doubled me over and I felt sick and anxious and awful. I would always just drink that feeling away before. ALWAYS. I didn't and don't even understand why. I called someone and talked about it. I prayed to I don't know who and the feeling passed.
Today I'm still scared, feel shaky and worried. I know I won't drink, but I do need support. I came on here very motivated to help others and have been posting just that. I had to really wrestle with myself to post for myself here.
I, for some reason feel that I shouldn't bother you all with my troubles and I don't deserve the support. It is all my fault anyway. I don't want to be like this anymore. I can't if I'm going to stay sober.
Right now I'm shaking even harder as I write this. I have a huge lump in my throat and a feeling of impending doom. Thank you for reading this. I have to stay sober no matter what. I have to or I know I'm going to die. That is the truth.