Hi prettypoison. If you can't go to AA right now, but want to, I'll bring AA to you. Click on this link and just start listening.
XA-Speakers - The lights are on!
When we are struggling like it sounds you are, we just need to get out of ourselves. I think these podcasts will help you do that. I promise you life can and will get better. I would start at the very top (History of AA) and go from there. I find these podcasts very helpful.
You can get better and life does to!