Sorry to hear you're having a hard time.
Are you trying to do this on your own, or do you have some kind of recovery plan/support/program? Do you have any idea why you keep going back to it?
I remind myself every day why I choose to be sober, mainly by coming here and reading everyone's post. There's a lot of "evidence" here that alcohol will destroy us if we let it....... Hope you can find your answers soon.:ghug3