Just wrote a new post. Don't know if I should (or can) just post the url, or if there's even a point. I am just writing this stuff for me and it's been really helping me process my feelings.
So here's my 2nd blog entry.
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I took a big step towards healing today and I feel like I am slowly starting to see myself appear again. It's not the old me, it can never be the old me because that girl is dead. Though there are parts of her that have emerged and now they stronger and hungrier than before. I have felt so weak and so powerless over my own life for so long, that now when I view just a glimpse of a this possible happy new life I could have, it makes me feel powerful. And feeling powerful, whoa mama, does that feel good! I am in charge of my own life! Such a simple concept. Really the simplest of them all. I'll repeat it, I am in charge of my own life! Mind blown.
How did I allow myself to go so far in the wrong direction? How did I give up control of my own life for so long? I am feeling strong today and it is such a weird foreign feeling. I don't know what to do with it. All it does is make me cry. How sad is it that actually feeling strong is what is breaking me down today? This strength TERRIFIES me!
I think that I am finally hitting the crossroad that I knew one day would come. The one where I knew I'd have to make a very tough decision. I have lived in denial for years. I have looked for every ounce of good in my husband because I thought he could be fixed. I thought he was special, misunderstood, tortured and he was so good at painting himself in that light. This poor tortured soul who can't control himself. I was a puppet and he pulled the strings. Anything that went wrong in his life, my fault. If he wasn't blaming me he was making me feel guilty because I was actually struggling under the weight of it all or not giving him enough "credit" for having been sober for a week. There's just only so much I can take.
So yes today I feel strong and it terrifies me. What if I lose my strength? I haven't seen my husband since he's left. We've only exchanged very brief texts since he's been gone. I'm afraid that all of my newfound strength will be thrown out the window if I see him face to face because he really does have this power over me.