BellaTeal

...then I don't wanna know what is.
So, I began outpatient intensive group therapy about 10 days ago. It meets 3 times a week for 3 hours each time. So far, not so good. I was still unable to get much more than 48 hours without a drink. And then it got worse.

Last Thursday I came back from the therapy and after a few hours I really wanted to drink, as usual. I was pretty tired, so I thought I’d only have a few and go to bed. WRONG. I got so wrapped up in the obsession and the cravings that I forgot that a few drinks will wake me up and then I’ll want to drink more and more until I pass out.

I still had a little over half a handle of vodka left in my room. I started drinking at 1am. I passed out around 4am. When I woke up, the bottle was almost empty. First thing I did on Friday was finish it without even thinking. Next, some wine then some beer...I had triggered another bender. I was out of control until early Monday morning. I have no idea how much I drank during the weekend, I just know it was constant.

Here’s what happened: I broke my computer, showed up to work drunk and may have been fired, visited my boyfriend at work drunk (he wasn’t pleased), almost got picked up by a creepy man while trying to buy another 6 pack of malt liquor at 3am, missed all my Friday classes and a quiz, missed all my appointments, apparently rescheduled those appointments while in a blackout, drank most of my roommate’s wine, felt suicidal twice, completely humiliated myself in front of all my friends, begged them to buy me more cigarettes and booze when I ran out of money and I missed my therapy on Monday night because I was too sick to move. My boyfriend told me if I ever drink again he’s done with me. I'm so ashamed of my behavior and I wish I could apologize to everyone...but I'm too much of a coward to face them. There might be more awful things I did.

The amount I drank between 1am Thursday and 1pm Friday scared the crap out of me. And the fact that I basically drank about a fifth of vodka in 3 hours also scared me. I’m a pretty small person and I always drink on an empty stomach. I know I could have died.

So what am I going to do? My friends and I stopped drinking on Monday morning and I moved in with them. I have no liquor because I drank it all. Even my emergency stash is gone. I have no wine because I no longer live with my party animal roommates. I honestly thought I’d be excruciatingly uncomfortable without having alcohol around but it ain’t so bad. I feel safe without it! I’m going to AA tomorrow and any night I can. Also, I promised myself and many other people that if something like this ever happens again I’m going straight to detox/inpatient. I am now starting my fifth day without a drink.

Sooo...yeah. Other than getting all this crud out there in the open for all to see, I guess I want to know if this a good plan?