Manz

I find that I am struggling with ME now that I am sober. Firstly, who am I now, who have I been for many years ...... and do I even like me?


My self esteem, my self worth is at rock bottom, and of course largely because of my cr@ppy decline into alcoholism. (Doesn't help of course to have suddenly lost my job, which felt like the only thing I had left that I was really good at). All of my negative self talk is at top volume now that I no longer have the booze to help keep it quiet.

I realised sometime last night, in the early wee hours when sleep of course wont come, that I have reached as low as I have ever been....emotionally. And all I wanted was for someone to reach out and tell me what a great person I am, tell me all of the wonderful things that I am. But of course there is no one there to do that... I've seen to that.

And then it dawned on me, I can no longer look for my self worth in anybody elses face. I can't rely on other people to tell me why I am a good person. I need to figure that out for myself, I need to find the me that I like and learn to love that me again.

I hope that somewhere inside is still the lost me that was kind, loving, funny, intelligent and curious. That was a giving, generous and loyal friend/partner. A person with a love of life and a person full of joy..... and passion.

I am terrified that she is lost.