Thank you for the encouraging posts. Ths stickies will give me some enlightened reading.
Barb & Shell crusher, I will have to put some thought into this. I think at this point there may be some of both, proactive and reactive. The reactive came first years ago (getting upset, arguing), then came the proactive (will not engage "meaningful communication" when he's drunk, it never ends productive, not being a "parent", letting him know I will be there for him if he seeks help etc.) It has come full circle now with more reactive as time goes on and trust is broken again and again I find the self preservation kicking in, "Do what you like" attitude. Knowing I have no control over him or his issues.
He is not abusive to me when drunk. Like I said he is usually a happy drunk, I call it "frat boy". If I mention that Im disappointed he chose to drink he turns very emotional, depressed, feelings of worthlessness etc. very hard and down hating himself. Nothing I say otherwise registers with him. Which hurts me to see and hear.
I wish he would choose to fight for himself and a better life.