Dear S.______,
I’m writing to do what I can to set right the harms that I did during the
years that I was in a relationship with your mom. I’ve chosen to type rather
than phone for two reasons: First, my handwriting is pretty awful, and
second, because I want you to have something tangible that you can look at
later when life may be treating you rough. To tell you the truth, I’m tempted
to let things just stay the way they are because your mom tells me that you
have some good memories of the time we spent together. Part of me says
why mess with that? The best answer I have is that I loved you and, I’m
certain deep in my heart, whether you know it yet or not, I did you harm.
I’m sure that you were aware that during the years we were together I
was an active alcoholic. LET ME BE VERY CLEAR THAT THIS
ADMISSION IN NO WAY WHATSOEVER RELIEVES ME OF
RESPONSIBILITY FOR MY ACTIONS. I used alcohol and drugs because
they were the only things I knew that could give me the relief from the
constant fear I felt. I was drawn to you and your family because I
desperately wanted to love and to be loved, but I was also scared to death of
the prospect of being responsible, especially to others. Emotionally I felt
like I had one foot on the gas and the other on the brake. I’m sure that it was
hard for you to figure out what was real - is the real Step-Dad the one who
wants to loves me or the one who’s pushing me away? You weren’t crazy, I
was. You were a wonderful, lovable child and you had every right to expect
consistent love, emotional support, and parenting from me. What you got
instead was fear, chaos, confusion, and abandonment. I want you to know
that I didn’t fail to give you those things because you were unlovable or
undeserving but because I was a sick and frightened man incapable of
giving.
If you feel emotionally ripped off it’s because you were. If you feel
abandoned you’re not crazy, you were. I know at some deep emotional level
it’s hard not to believe that if you were really worthy and valuable that these
things wouldn’t have happened to you. Please believe me, this just isn’t so.
You are worthy and deserving of love then and now, it was I that failed you.
S.______, I hope that you’ll accept my heartfelt regret for these and the
unlisted harms that I did to you. Should you ever want to talk about any of
this please give me a call. If I can ever be of any service to you as a friend
I’d be honored.
sincerely,
________________.