Still can't get over the F***-its.
I don't know if it's a mental health problem or a personality problem, but I have relapsed too many times now because I just. stop. caring. I stop caring about sobriety and recovery. I keep going to meetings, but I stop listening and sharing. I start engaging in risky behavior such as speeding excessively, or taking excessive non-mind/mood-altering drugs such as OTC painkillers or allergy meds. I don't know what to do, because when it hits, I literally do not care whether I relapse or not. So when I have an urge, I just go for it. This has killed me so many times. I have relapsed over a dozen times this past year, which is hardly recovery at all! At times I want so bad to get better, but I inevitably stop caring and eventually use. This will kill me (literally) if I don't stop. But I don't know how, because I stop caring so much I don't even care if I live or die. How can I stay clean when I don't care at all what happens to me?!