Does he not hear what I say? I swear. Denial.
I feel like I am doing everything wrong. He is using the "kill me with kindness" on me for the whole year. Soo..why does it make ME angry to have him treat me the way he should have treated me all along? It just makes me uncomfortable.
Tax returns, yay great we have bills to pay off, he bought a fish house AND a snowmobile from his drinking buddy. He decided not to tell me until today because if he told me earlier he would have felt guilty and not bought them. He says he bought them for the KIDS to enjoy. Yeah, they enjoy that stuff, but they are only 3 and 4! He says he needs these things to do his hobbys to keep him from drinking...? He used to ice fish and snowmobile drinking. Those things went hand in hand for him. He claims since I am not sure I will "commit" to him, meaning marry him, then he can spend the money on things HE wants and doesn't need to discuss it with me.
I told him tonight I REFUSE to marry him. Is it controlling to say that I won't be committed because he is not in any recovery program? He thinks I need to praise him for going to 4 A.A. meetings in ONE year. I understand his recovery or lack of- is in his own hands, but how do I explain to him that this is not going to make me trust him again?! His words are, "I just need to trust him to learn to trust again and get rid of the past and quit bringing it up."
Thankfully, he is more calm and doesn't throw temper tantrums when we discuss things, but when I asked about dealing with the issues that lead up to the drinking..he says, "it is just all from my parents and the way they are." When I talked to the A.A guys they said that, "You are doing things wrong and need to just get past it" (Meaning I need to get past it)
What in his mind doesn't understand I don't want to be with him! I told him tonight that I will not be intimate with him. He says he will find his own place and then two hours later says he is staying and it all falls on what I want to do. He realizes that if we do separate I will request supervised visitation, he says if I do that he will not do that and would rather not see the kids. He was crying. what the... He already abandoned his 6 year old son(has only seen him once in almost 2 years-and distance is not an issue, he is 10 miles from us), so it wouldn't suprise me if he did that to our two kids.
I looked into housing and since I am in school full time, I could probably qualify for housing assistance, but that is a four month wait list. I have to do more searching since I can't kick him out. Tomorrow I will take my a chunk of the return and open my own account, since were on a joint one. That will be step one. He keeps asking me to get my own account because I spend to much of HIS money. Since I don't have classes tomorrow I am going to do some searching. Why is the fear of being on my own, single mom, going to school and possibly needing a job scare me more than the toxic environment I am living in?