Is this really my life? And how did I endup here?
Yesterday I left on my very first night away from my husband and kids. I came home to find my husband passed out drunk on the sofa and I have been crying since.
But let me go to the beginning.
These last four years have been some of the best and worst years of my life. On the outside we are such a happy lively family. Two wonderful little boys, a dog, a few chickens, a house, a husband with a great job.... you get the point....
But on the inside everything is dying. My husband's drinking is getting worse and worse. When I read the al-non questions I answer yes to 80% of them. Thankfully he is not physically abusive, but emotional abuse hurts just as much.
Lately he's also been so angry. Always picking up fights with our son and stooping to toddler level. I find myself withdrawing from him more and more. I just don't know how I can show him any affection. I can't stand to even be in the same room with him.
He hides alcohol and can't control himself around alcohol. Especially if there is an open bar/kegger.
Last fall our friends got married and he got _so drunk_ he was falling over at the wedding in front of all the guests and friends. He of course blacked out and didn't remember a thing of those events. The next day he was SO horrified that he said he was going to quit drinking. Of course that only lasted a few weeks. Then he went back to only drinking a beer here or there. And now he's back to his old self.
I feel like I am failing our kids, I don't know how to protect them. I want to leave but I can't. If we didn't have children I would be long gone. But we built a life together, we had so many hopes and dreams for the future I don't want to just throw it all away.
I feel so much pain and despair. I am all alone. This is the first time I have ever spoke/written about his drinking.
I just cannot believe this is my life.
p.s. now to something more practical. What should I do while he's passed out drunk? What if he's drunk but not passed out and tries to talk to me. Do I talk to him? I usually get so angry that he's drunk that I have a hard time talking to him without yelling.