((((lushly)))) I so understand your story, we are very much alike, drinking even though we know what we doing to ourself and everyone we love. I lost my Husband and my older Son because of my drinking and haven't seen either one in 18 years (my Son was one) and I just couldn't stop. I had been to rehab two times for three weeks and nothing..I kept drinking. I wasn't ready yet. Two years after I lost my Son, homeless, sick and hating myself, I finally decided, if I wasn't going to die (I had put myself in situation where I though someone would do what I didn't have the courage to do) I might as well try to live, I was so tired...SO TIRED, I gave up, I admitted I was powerless over Alcohol, I just couldn't do it anymore. Only then, was I ready to get help to quit. I went into treatment in Detroit at a place that took indigents with a referral from the health department...I took my belongings with me in two bags, it was all I had left....and I went. It took two months for me to even begin to feel human...but something in me changed..and that time it stuck. I didn't have to drink, I was able to try...then eventually forgive myself for being sick...and learn to live the life I was blessed with.
I suppose I am trying to say, when you are truly ready to give up the fight with Alcohol, and admit you are powerless, you will be ready to live again...and you will be open to the help you would get from treatment. Trust me when I say, that when you reach that point, and you say, "That's it, I can't do it anymore, I am powerless over Alcohol" You will feel as if a huge burden has been lifted off your soul....There is alot of wisdom on this board, and we are all here for you, pulling for you.
Cathy