Old member ~ new life.
Hey all, it's C*a*l*l*i*e! I wanted to post an update, but don't want to do it under my old name. XAH sometimes reads here and I don't want him to have any more information on what's going on in my life.
Most of you know my story. It's a doozy just like many here. My divorce was final last April. XAH went to live with his dad several states away. He completed a 90 day court ordered rehab and was doing fine. He had been clean for about 9 months. He had some old possession charges that he had to answer to up here and came back here about a month ago. He was arraigned, bond was set and was to remain in the county if someone posted bond. Of course XMIL posts bond. He didn't last 24 hours up here until he was back into drugs.
I was in Florida with a friend doing our 2nd 1/2 marathon. I got a message from xfil that xah had overdosed, but was still alive. He's now back in jail with additional possession charges. I have completely removed myself from the situation. I no longer talk to ANY of his family. They still try to 'keep us together'. Still try to guilt me into 'working on our relationship'. ETC.
XAH is a good guy and a totally different person if he can keep himself clean. I no longer am willing to risk my sanity/serenity ever again.
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The reason for my post is to put out there that there IS life after addiction. I've refinanced my house into my name, all ties are severed. All email accounts that were joint were deleted. I just did my 2nd 1/2 marathon and a friend and I are signed up to do a crazy race/obstacle course in June. I can't post a link per SR rules yet, but you can google warrior dash. I can fit into my jeans again too! I've started getting massages, focusing on healthy eating, SHOPPING for a new wardrobe (you have NO idea how much my wardrobe went down hill. During xah's active addiction I just didn't care and wore very basic clothes).
I bought a new, much needed SUV, have by the grace of God survived financially and actually prospered last year. It's amazing how much money you really have without someone pilfuring it from you. My business has flourished and I've actually taken a new job and am looking to hire people to help with my business. I finally have good health, life insurance again. Am saving for my kid's college and started a 401k. Prior to xah getting fired, we'd had all of that.
I've been asked out multiple times, but have been very gunshy and declined. I know/knew I was nowhere ready. I've been talking with a lifelong friend fairly frequently. He's definately interested, but is taking things very slow. I'm a baby stepper and he is very gentle with me. He's very normal, very responsible, he cooks, cleans, does laundry. He knows and appreciates the fact that my kids come first. He knows to keep his distance until I'm ready. He comes from a great family and I've known them my whole life. We were actually boyfriend/girlfriend in 7th grade. He knows everything about xah and everything about me. It's eery really. We grew up together and we've always had a close relationship and if you look @ the logistics, he'd be a perfect fit in my life. I worry about jeopardizing that, there's nothing to fix here, not enough drama, there's nothing to chase. With xah I was ALWAYS chasing, fixing, doing. It was a constant battle to reform him into what I knew he could be. On the other hand, I look so forward to a peaceful future.
I've made it clear that I'll hang out as friends, but that's it right now. It's really sick to see how isolated I became. I am amazed when I think that I actually have a choice of what I will allow in my life. I'm excited for my future. Even if things don't progress with this person, it's refreshing to know that my life never has to be the same as it was.
My xah has done everything that he could possibly to do to keep strings attached. Truth be told, if you could take away the last 2 years and keep him clean I probably would take him back. I worry about that with myself. He looks great (well before his last stint). But if anything his latest heroin binge is a great reminder that he may never be well. I'm not going to ever take that chance with him again. It's a good feeling to know that there is someone out that there that will care for me. I've become a very independent person in the last few years. Doing everything from keeping up with kids, coaching soccer, room mother, business person, mechanic, appliance repairman.
Just this past week my sump pump quit working, basement flooded. Rather than call someone I fixed it myself, replaced the sump etc. My 'friend' kept on insisting that he could come out and help me. It was a lightbulb moment because I realized that I don't have to be this mountain anymore. I don't have to carry 27 hats and be super woman. It's ok to let others in. It's ok to accept 'care' from people. With xah I learned to never ask for help, never lean on anyone for anything. That feeling of someone caring for me has become foreign to me throughout the last few years.
I'm thankful that my friends and family have stuck with me. My poor bff, I put her and my family through so much unneeded worry and stress. Looking back, I spent waaay too long and gave waaay too many chances. I try not to dwell on the past though. I did that for a few months. Went through a period of self disgust @ all of the time lost. I didn't wallow in that for long though as it isn't productive to MY recovery. At times I'll go back and re-read old posts from a year ago, two years ago, 6 months ago. I am disgusted with myself and with xah.
I was reading an article on the airplane ride home about an example of extreme physical abuse in a couple. It told of how hard the woman fought to get out, only to go right back to him. The lies, manipulation that he used to lure her back, the torture he put her through. I swear if you take out the physical part, I saw myself in every other aspect in what that woman endured.
Anyway, just wanted to post an update with a new name. If you would don't mention my old name as I don't want him or his family reading. I wanted those of you who are trying to get out, who don't want to leave because you think you can fix them or save them to know that there IS light @ the end of the tunnel. I also wanted to thank my SR friends for helping me see that. Many times you carried me, guided me, led me etc. Thank you for that.