(((Anaserene))) - I'm an RA (recovering addict) and a recovering codie (codependent). My entire adult life, I had 3 relationships...one for more than 20 years with a functioning alcoholic. I developed my own addiction, went on to have 2 more bf's, both crack addicts, and the last bf died of his addiction.
I want recovery more than anything in my life....I HAVE no life if I'm not recovering. You speak of what if some life-altering event comes up, how do we know we won't use. In my almost 4 years of recovery, I have lost a nursing career and am working at McDonald's.
I've faced $5000 in unpaid tickets/fines I got when using. My uncle, who I loved dearly died. My XABF (we were no longer together) died. I was robbed at gunpoint, twice at work...the 2nd time I was pistol-whipped and later found out that it was my former coworker who set up the robbery. He and the guy who hit me (14 years old) went out and murdered 4 people the next day. I need $5000 of dental work that I can't afford. I live with my dad/stepmom and they are both very dysfunctional. I have a 17-year-old niece who I love, dearly, and she recently attacked me while high on pills and liquor. She had moved out, and is about to move back home. My stepmom has stolen my meds (I have PTSD from the 2nd robbery) and I have to lock them up and hide my keys. She has abused her own meds, passed out, gotten arrested for trying to pass off a fraudulent prescription. I work another job, am back in school, and am stressed to the max. I'm 49 years old, having to live at home because I don't make enough money to support myself.
This is just a sample of what I've been through, yet my recovery is stronger than ever. Personally, when someone has made a habit of lying to me, I have a very hard time trusting them again. Even being an RA, I would be seriously leery of dating another RA, unless I could see, by his actions, that he's serious about it, and he had YEARS of recovery.
It's totally up to you as to whether you stay or leave. I can guarantee that you don't have enough power to keep him clean or make him use. If you were to leave and he went back to using, he would blame you, because that's what we do....A's blame everything and everyone for why they use. We learn to take responsibility for our actions in recovery.
So, yes, recovery is possible, but it has to come from the A. Putting down the drugs isn't the hard part....hell, I did it a lot of times. It's learning how not to pick them back up when things get rough that's hard.
It sounds like you are way ahead of where I was, discussing finances and telling him that his name wouldn't be on a house. I would make sure that I was financially able to handle that house before even considering it.
I think holding off for a couple of years is a good thing.
The very thought of using something to chill me out turns my stomach. I consider that a gift, and am doing everything I can to continue feeling that way. I didn't get that way, though, until I hit a really low bottom and had had enough.
Al-anon, though I've never been, I know a lot of people who go, focuses more on what you want from your life, and working to get it. It's about protecting yourself, setting boundaries. This isn't a decision you have to make today. Addiction is a life long disease. Recovery can also be life long, but there's nothing you can do to ensure that he stays in recovery.
Also, if he were to relapse again, personally, I would put distance between you. If he thinks he can relapse, and then smooth things over, it could become a habit...he's facing no consequences, from the way it sounds. The consequences are a big part of what got me into recovery.
I'm glad you posted here, as there are so many people here with ES&H (experience, strength and hope).
Hugs and prayers,
Amy