10 steps back
I don't even feel like writing this, but I know I need to just get it out and get some feedback.
Today, took my grandaughter (whom I have temporary provisional custody) to one day surgery for dental restorations. My GD could not have anything to eat or drink since 3am and her surgery was not until 12 noon. So, when I picked up her Mom @ 9:30...she came to the car w/heated food. That's when it all began. Told her to go back and put the food in her house, that her daughter was hungry. She did, but then the toxic-relationship behaviors began. We argued all the way to the surgery center about why she doesn't have her daughter and round and round and round we went. I hooked in pretty bad. I said the serenity prayer silently to no avail. And all of this happened in front of her daughter! I'm thoroughly disgusted with myself in that I let all my buttons get pushed.
It ended with my telling her if she wants her daughter back...get off the drugs and claim her rightful place as a mother. I then told her I couldn't do this anymore. I take 10 steps back when this happens and I do not want to see her for a while. She tries to put the guilt trip on me such as..."you won't let me see my own daughter...get a life, Mom, she's not yours". Boy, would I like a life of no responsibility but me! Then we played the blame-shame game with each other.
I know when I talk to her that I am not talking to the daughter I raised, I'm talking to a drug addict. It still leaves me drained.
Thanks for letting me get this off my chest. I wish I could say that it makes me feel better, but it just feels like grieving again.
Thanks for listening