Originally Posted by
SereniTee 
It is definately worth it I like you took alot of Valium they are much less likely to keep perscribing it here in the UK and we can't go from Doc to Doc so I ended up getting lots illegally. I said I would only take them every now and then but was pretty quickley up to 40mg per day. I only started taking them to get off of booze and cocaine but actually found that they relieved all my symptons much better than ever and so got potentially an even bigger problem from them. I had also been a daily weed smoker and like yourself it hadn't worked for a long time.
Luckily for me I was already in AA when I bought all the valium and once sharing with my sponsor about what I was doing she convinced me to give it all to my mum so she could put it in a public bin. (trash can hehe). I haven't taken drugs since.
I thought giving up drinking and coke was easy and I had no intention of getting completely clean at 1st. Once I stopped the weed and valium the real work began and like you I really struggled. However after about 2 months of white knuckling, meetings, working with my sponsor and reading/posting here I am now 9 months clean and feel like a totally different person. I feel like a miracle has taken place I still have a long way to go but I feel SO much better and to think that I can feel this good WITHOUT drugs would have been a crazy concept to me this time last year.
I have even been able to come off my anti-depressant SSRI medication - it's amazing!
You have to be honest, open to new ideas and willing. I found the thing that helped me the most was trusting people who had been through something similar who said it would get better and seeing how it had changed their lives. I hope that you can get through the rough parts to see the beauty that comes after.
Much love Thatfeel xxx
Thanks, it has been a struggle already and I haven't even really begun.
All of the pills I have obtained were non-prescription, so it was easy to take as much as I wanted, get whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted.
With valium it's easy to lie to yourself and others "Oh I only take 5-10mg a day" because you actually DO forget how much you took sometimes or leave out the days you popped pills all day or topped it off with xanax or tramadol or booze or whatever.
Now that I am serious about recovery just thinking about the road ahead makes me nervous and filled with all of the symptoms of anxiety and depression I had before I started using (valium). I read in the meditation thread that addiction is a world of taking and being taken, and recovery is a world of giving and being given. I know I remember parts of that second world and the decisions that took me away from it. Like it says, the emptiness is so powerful sometimes that "waiting for grace" feels impossible. That's when I use or overdose on sex, pushing away the beautiful things that have been given to me for the temporary relief of that overwhelming emptiness.
If we lived in a world where life was just a choice of God or addiction, our days would be much easier. But there are also all the physicalities of life- "How am I going to do this?" "How am I going to get through that?" "Why is this happening to me?"- that make the decision much harder. I know I want to take the right path, but that path is so full of obstacles and one can't always just sit down for two months and take a break. I know recovery isn't a "break" but getting through it seems to make doing anything else relatively impossible. I am right on that borderline of "GO TO DETOX NOW" or "Just use gabapentin and NA."
Your post gives me hope, but unlike you, I've yet to toss my safety net into the "public bin." I'm not sure that I can do that.