Still dirty...
I'm typing this outside a starbucks in orange county, 40 minutes before an interview at a school that will most likely lead to a job offer dependent on a drug test. I've been living at my parents' house in San Diego... taking this job would mean a move from there, and most importantly, a move into sobriety.
My timing couldn't be worse. I know I need to get off this stuff (valium), but I almost broke down in the gym yesterday morning after not dosing. That wouldn't be the first time I cried in a gym, but it would be the second in two years, both over the same girl. A guy crying in a gym on February 14th... Jesus what a sad and comical existence I have become.
After this interview I'm flying to Seattle with my mother to visit my sister at UW. Neither have any idea that I've been taking valium... Mom knows about the Gabapentin... but she thinks it's just for "mood" (not to prevent some crazy freeze-up seizure if I end up detoxing off benzos on a plane.)
I just don't know what to do at all. I feel I'm at a horrible transition point in my life. Before I drive back to San Diego I'll probably call the Sober Living house here in OC again, who say they might be able to take me in before detoxing since my benz dose has been so low. That will be an interesting conversation: "Well... I can't actually move in until after this weekend trip to Seattle wherein I will continue to take valium so as not to completely embarrass myself in front of my family..."
I think living alone or with strangers will be depressing and dangerous while detoxing. I think Sober Living is probably my best option... either that or canceling my Seattle flight and getting to a rehab center not to mention breaking off essentially all contact with my friends and and and
@#$%