dd is 2, she was 8 months old when we seperated, ds is 7 - he was 5. for dd our set-up apart is normal, for ds, he still asks if we will ever live all together again and I say no, and I'm sorry that he is sad/angry/hurt by that, but we both love you and dd very much and you love us.
I have told him the reason that we don't live together are adult ones that he doesn't have to worry about, and I'm sorry that it has affected him, but emphasised our love for him and dd.
Ds knows that daddy can only look after him sometimes, he knows that daddy is breathalysed, I have explained that daddy has an illness that sometimes affects how he thinks and can mean he isn't safe to have ds on his own, and that this machine detects chemicals in daddy to do with that illness (ex said it detected "bugs", I am honest with my children, but it has to be age appropriate). Later I have told him that the illness means daddy can't control how much alcohol he drinks and that affects the way he thinks. I've read the ACOA stuff, I am not going to protect his image at the expense of their development, but I also try hard to be careful that I am not loading my perceptions, feelings or issues re him onto them.
ds had a horrible relationship with ex before I left, ds would wake up screaming for daddy to stop snoring because it was keeping him awake (on another floor, honestly, I've never heard anything like it), he saw ex pased out on the kitchen floor, the toilet, in the garden, he was in my arms when ex thretened to tear my face off and prevented me from leaving the house. I had to take the children out on a sunday morning because the sound of their footsteps enraged him as he tried to sleep off the alcohol, he was mean and erratic and drunk, and then he brought a strange man home who got into ds's bed drunk whilst ex was passed out in the lounge one wednesday night.
DS remembers little of this, I don't remind him, because I am glad these things are distant not an ongoing nightmare shaping his psyche. His relationship with his father now although short in time is much more positive. Ex often cancels or doesn't turn up for contact and DS gets very disappointed.
I know yours is not the same situation, but I am a much better parent now that we are seperated, and so is ex (because it doesn't take up too much of his time). being together as a family is only better for children's development if the family unit is functional, dysfunction breeds dysfunction, and I am grateful I live in an age where I have the option to choose not to perpetuate that.
Just my ESH (()).
Last edited by JenT1968; 02-14-2011 at 01:30 PM.
Reason: edited to add "try hard", because I don't always succeed being objective here