I am new to this forum, I'm 25 years old, and have been with my significant other since I was 17 years old! So this coming Valentines Day it will be 8 years total that we have been together. I have never had another real serious relationship obviously! Things were always absolutely wonderful until a few years ago... This is going to be as brief as possible, but will probably be a little long. I've been dealing with this on my own for too long now, and I really need someone not directly involved in my life to talk to...
So, when we were growing up, we would drink occasionally with friends... socially... like a lot of people do in their younger years...
Well one day (back in 2008), when we still lived with our parents, his parents were out of town, and I was to go let his dog out while he was at work, so I went in their house to do that. I went upstairs to his room to look for something, and I found empty liquor and beer bottles all over his room! I was caught by surprise, and very upset... I said a few things to him about this, but it didn't really go anywhere, because it was like talking to a brick wall. For the next year, I just noticed his drinking habits, even when we went out with friends every now and then had changed. He drank things faster, and he seemed to drink too much... and it just worried me.
This led me to where I had made a huge deal about it after one night where I just felt like he really over-did it, and it got us into a huge fight because when I would try to talk to him about it, he just wouldn't respond... and it turned out he said some seriously mean and nasty things about me to his best friend, that I found out about because he accidentally sent me a text message that was supposed to be sent to his friend, which led me to look into his cellphone and see the whole conversation... okay, so we made up of course after things were all said and done, but things, in my eyes, haven't been the same since then.
So, We have moved in together in summer of 2009 (right at the same time when that big fight happened) We are now married as of July 2010... and in the past year and a half, it's not EVERY NIGHT, but atleast once every 1-3 months I will notice he seems drunk (like I'm not going to notice) when I would get home from work, and he would play it off like he wasn't, and that I didn't notice... and then it got to the point where I have found liquor and beer (empty and full bottles) at times... The first couple times I was furious, and yelled, cried, tried to get him to explain to me what's wrong... and it always ended with "I'm sorry... I wont do it again, yadda yadda..." and I would just accept the apology. As the times went on, I have reacted differently... I'm definitely not surprised anymore, but each time just takes a little bit more trust away. Kind of give the cold shoulder for a day, and sometimes I will just cool off too much, or something will happen to where I'm forced to get along with him (family get together), and it will blow over without even having the chance to talk about it... In the couple months before our wedding I was even thinking about calling it off, but that was after all RSVP's were in, all presents were bought, showers were thrown, and I just didn't want our families to know about our "secret upsetting life"... I don't think I would have had the guts to call it off, I love him too much and can't imagine my life without him, because he has been there through all my tough times, and we have had so much good happy years...
and don't get me wrong, it's not an EVERYDAY thing... or at least I don't think it is YET. Atleast once every 1-3 months for the time being I will notice the drinking alone while I'm gone at work... Then When I suspect it, I search the house when he goes to bed, and what-do-ya-know? I find liquor/beer...
So... I guess my husband gets this problem through genetics... I hear alcoholism runs in families, and his dad was an alcoholic (sober now 12-13 year)... His older brother does NOT drink, probably because of his experience with his father growing up... and his sister drank heavily before she had her children, and now rarely ever drinks...
So now, when I suspect... I search and find something... and if it's not empty, I pour whatever is left out, and sit it on the counter almost to display "I'm not stupid, I know what you are doing, please stop". But obviously that doesn't work... I have threatened to quit my job so I could "babysit" him (although I don't think I would ever do that), I have threatened to bring his dad into the situation (because he works for his dad's family company, and his dad has also lived through the same problem), I have even threatened to leave him (the couple months before the wedding)...
I just don't know what to do anymore, and I am writing this because this just happened again a couple days ago... He definitely knows that I know, but how can he just go on like nothing is happening? I just don't get it? He knows I'm not stupid... I am a nurse and sometimes have to take care of people who have abused alcohol and are slowly dying of liver disease or some other complication from alcoholism... I see what it can do to someone's body, I constantly tell him about it... and even though he doesn't do this everyday (that I know of), I just KNOW that alcoholism is a progressive disease, and only gets worse.
I'm kind of at a loss... Trust is really an issue here, because he has definitely broke my trust in him more than once... it's gotten to the point where I feel like a terrible person because I have to secretly whisper to him to settle down on the drinking when we occasionally have a few drinks with friends and it sometimes angers him... It kind of makes me feel guilty to occasionally have a couple of glasses of wine when we are with some friends... only because I tell him to not drink so much. I am almost to the point of talking to his dad for real this time, and bringing him into the situation, because I'm tired of dealing with this alone...
Please share your thoughts!