tryintosmile

YES!

UPDATE:

I confront him when he gets home. I tell him that I can't go through the drunken rages any longer. That they're destroying me and I'm not living with them for the rest of my life.

He apologizes. Says it's all his fault. Says that he's been under a lot of stress at work.
I tell him - I'm sorry that he's under stress but he's gotta stop taking it out on ME. I tell him that 'ONE MORE RAGE and I'm going to see a lawyer'.
He says - I don't want to be like that. I'm sorry, I'm just being stupid.
I say - well you know that when you get drunk, you get like that. I ask - 'how are you going to stop yourself from raging if you don't try to get yourself healthy? You're a sick man and you need a lot of help.
He says - 'I'm going to bed shortly and am just having a few drinks. I promise I'm not going to do that anymore.' (A few drinks is like 8 shots instead of 16).

He asks me some questions on how he can get better. About things he needs to let go of that are not that important. Like he really wants to try but he doesn't know how. I am getting sucked in - to the A (pretending to care).

I go downstairs and have a talk with my mother. I tell her what he's said. I tell her not to worry - that I will deal with it.

My mother sends me this e-mail:

His pattern does keep you hooked in. always apologies and promises.

You used to have an escalation graph you used in counselling others. I think you helped more than a few women, didn't you?

hope you have the strength to break away if he rages again,

but I know it won't be easy.

I'm glad you told him we want out. That's the first time he's heard it, and he won't forget it.


I come back upstairs and he's already drunk. He tells me to 'put down the computer'' - he has a question for me. I tell him - 'NO - you're not making demands of me'. He says he's not making demands - 'just put the f*ing computer down because I have a question for you' (nice guy - turned bad within 2 hours).

He starts telling me how much he loves my niece (even more than his own daughters - which is a lie). I realize that he's trying to manipulate me because if he were to say my niece had to go back to her mother (my sister who has issues - my mother has mostly been her caregiver) - my mother would leave, and I might too. I don't want to be alone with him anymore.

I'm listening to him and realizing that there IS a pattern - a cycle - words he uses to try to get himself back in the good graces. I'M FINALLY seeing my own stupid cycle of abuse. I'm watching - instead of reacting. What a concept!

I remind him that I've told him 'ONE MORE RAGE' and he says 'well then get the f*ck out and take 'your parts' (meaning my family) with you'. I tell him that I will. Then he starts raging - asking me over and over again 'How many times do you wake up in the morning and KNOW THAT I AM RIGHT?' How many times - just tell me - how many times'? On deaf ears I say - I will never say that to myself until I know who you are as a sober person and you have a lot of work to do on yourself before I can even know if you were right about anything. Finally, he storms off to bed.

Okay so I already know that this is a Jekyll/Hyde situation and when he feels threatened, he gets scary. He does NOT like to see me take any form of control or maintain the courage of my convictions, but I'm getting stronger, because of all of you amazing people here and going to Al Anon, and it's scaring him.

So - I AM calling the DV number tomorrow - that was given to me at the first Al Anon meeting. I'm going to make an appointment to talk with someone there about this situation. I AM FEARFUL - about leaving. I am afraid of what he would do. If I were willing to give up this beautiful home, he can't tell people that I left all of this because I am in the wrong. He will have to deal with the fact that it is because he is, and that would be too hard for him to take. I am afraid that he will either destroy my life or his, if I go through with this.

Sorry this is long. I don't expect everyone to read this - but I need to write it, before I allow myself to forget it, the way I always end up doing.