Thank you! Yes - it's blameshifting - CONSTANT blameshifting, so that he doesn't have to acknowledge or account for his behaviour. HE goes to work all the time and that gives him the license to do WHATEVER HE WANTS. It's HIS house, and HE'S the boss. He makes that clear all the time and yells it loud enough for the people downstairs to hear. He doesn't care if my mother may be sleeping.
he isn't going to accept responsibility. ever.
I do need help. In reality - there should be no problem with everything being 50/50. We have 2 trucks (although one is way newer and he'd make me take the older one if I didn't want a fight). We have 2 big screen TVs. We have 2 of everything. It just has to be separated. We have about $60k equity in our house, which means that I could get at least $30k, in theory, but that would mean refinancing the house and paying off debt, which would leave me with less, but I'd STILL have something.
have you thought of seeing a lawyer? seeing one just to get information o your position, finding out how it would be affected if you left, leaving most things behind, is there a way of having "stuff" released after moving? In the end it is just stuff, is it worth continuing being scared and trapped for the sake of an old TV?
I'm not sure that the bank would let him keep the mortgage with his salary alone, if I were to leave. I'm not sure how that works. He'd have a higher mortgage minus the extra $3200. a month from all of us that would normally be there. I'm really stumped at how to approach this.
his problem, stemming entirely from his treatment of you over the years, you don't need to approach this, it's his to deal with.
And - of course there is the problem with him not agreeing to my leaving,
this is really important ((trying)): you are not a slave or a prisoner, you are a free human being. He does not have to agree to you leaving, legally, morally, whateverly, he does not have to be happy about it,
in fact he does not even have to know about it before-hand, because you are a free human being. You are not legally-bound to get his agreement or consent or even to tell him. I am not telling you to leave him, but I am asking you to try and get your head round the fact that you are allowed to do so whether he agrees or not. Please ring the DV people, they can help you with this stuff, just information gathering again, doesn't commit you to anything, it's just a case of empowering yourself with knowledge.
I don't think he will
I don't think he will either, for all manner of reasons, which is why I think it is pointless trying to get him to agree, and in fact I think it might be better if he didn't know at all before-hand, he will rage either way, do you need to be there when he does? what would that accomplish?
once he realizes that he will be stuck with this huge home and only his income to support it, unless he gets a tenant (and has to deal with their crap - and also have to learn how to do taxes and things like that, etc.) He will have to do all the stuff that I do (all the things that he says I never do, because his favorite blameshifting rage (when he's not talking about my family) is to tell me over and over again that I never do anything, but I do. I run the whole operation. He's only responsible for his 9-5 shift, drinking, eating and sleeping.
yes he will, or not, that is up to him, it will not be your responsibility or care anymore, you don't have to worry about how he will cope, what he will have to think about, he is an adult, he can figure this stuff out.
Some help would be most appreciated. I've spoken with my mother who is ready to do whatever I decide. She needs some peace too.
that is great, you won't be on your own, you will both have peace and some support.
please, honey ring the DV people, and a lawyer, just so you're not spinning round with waht-ifs and how-can-I etc, you'll have real information that you can contemplate and make your own decisions on.