I want to get out but I'm exhausted. Each time I try to come up with a plan, there always seems to be something in the way and I usually stuff it down. Of course it rears its ugly head again, because of course this will never end UNLESS I do something to make a change.
The fact is, I'm the one who always has to worry about how the financial things will work out. I worry about whether I'm going to spend thousands of $$$ on a lawyer, when there are no kids involved and there should be no issues - really, other than figuring out what to do with the house.
His rages are bothering my mother (who has lung cancer and is just trying to get through her days) and my stepfather - who rent the basement apartment from us and who have my niece with them. He rages about them all the time. He rages about my sister, who asks to borrow money all the time (but DOES pay me back - he just doesn't believe she will). I get it - my family is an inconvenience to him and they're prepared to leave. He doesn't realize that the rent money makes life very comfortable for us, because he doesn't take care of the finances. He also doesn't realize that I HATE hearing him bash my family all the time, and if they do go, I WANT TO GO WITH THEM!
He says that if everyone would leave him alone, he'd stop drinking. But I know him. He will have to find another reason to drink and rave. He will continue to make my life miserable - in one form or another - and I don't want to be alone with him. I love being around my family - they're pretty normal and can at least discuss solutions. He wants nothing to do with solutions - he just wants to BASH. They're walking on eggshells all the time now though, because he rages if a door is slammed or something. My niece is a little wired sometimes, and she forgets. She's a good kid though, but he says terrible things about her. She overheard him saying something mean about her, after she'd spent 5 hours raking all the leaves in our yard and stuffing them in bags. It's people like him who damage the psyches of young people. I hate to be privy to that!
I've got to come up with a plan. I have to call his bluff and if he's not responsive to any solution, then I have to carry out a plan (which WILL be very difficult without his cooperation) and of course he will interfere with anything I try to do. I'm sure I've subconsciously known this all along, and that's why I haven't 'made good' with my threats to leave. It hurts my brain (and my whole body) even just trying to think about going through with this, but I'VE REALLY HAD ENOUGH - and Al Anon (he called it Avalon in his rage last night BTW
) is really helping me to see that I just need the COURAGE to make this change.