Jay wrote to smacked:
So, like my beautiful wife, how could you EVER think so poorly of yourself as to tear down the amazing and benevolent and selfless person in you by succumbing to alcoholism?
Well, in my case jay, I didn't succumb to it: I am convinced I was
born with it. I didn't think poorly of myself when I was 3 years old. But, already, I showed the behavior of an alcoholic, even then. I wanted to drink from the baby bottle till I was 5: I had that need. I needed something....I had this empty hole in my soul, yeah, even way back then. Didn't matter what kind of person I was, good or bad, I just had "it" from day one.
It is a debate in our society if alcoholism is a disease or not, but it is no debate for me. I know it is because alcohol makes me feel normal again when I am ready to crawl the walls with a feeling of pain and emptiness that I can't explain. One drink, and I am cured. But then there is the rub: one is too many and 100 is not enough.
Any advice I would offer? Try to pace yourself. It seems your wife has gone chronic at middle age, just like I did.
As an excellent AA speaker once said:
"I was the accident. My children were the victims. My husband was the ambulance driver".
It is very typical for husbands of alcoholics to try and fix the mess. It is very typical for wives of alcoholics to try and control the mess or try to prevent it from happening in the first place.
Neither approach works for very long. We are all individuals, including your wife. She can't be controlled or fixed by you. That is ultimately her responsibility: to fix herself.