commitment-an unsent letter
STBXAH has been at me in force the last two weeks. Daily (sometimes up to six times) e-mails that are either attacking or trying to play on my emotions. It has been tough, but I have made it through and (mostly) said nothing in return. I keep him on my e-mail because he doesn't have a phone right now (thankfully because texts all day was much worse). Anyway, one of his messages was attacking me on commitment and I found myself angry at him. Mostly, I tend to feel numb about him at this point so to me anger seems good.
So I wrote him a response letter and I am soooo tempted to send it, but I am not going to. I decided to share it with SR instead because it helps to feel like someone is listening. Thanks for being here, as always! Here is the letter:
You’re right, I did break my commitment to you and I have wronged you by doing so. I have made choices you didn’t want me to make and I have affected your life without your consent. I know that is what you want to hear and the thing is I acknowledge the fact that I broke the commitment and it wasn’t easy for me and really I am sorry about that, but it doesn't change my decision.
Why I wanted counseling, why I took a “vacation”, why I thought about giving you another chance, why I bargained and gave ultimatums, why I minimized and denied problems through the years, why I forgave you time and time again—all because I cared about the commitment and loved you. Because I cared about the dream we built together. I cared about the life I was leaving behind, but do you think I would have walked away if I felt like there was a better option for me? Do you think my life is a piece of cake? I am tired from running this crazy schedule and fighting to now keep my dream of wanting to go to school. I have to get up earlier to take the kids to be watched, I have to do bed time almost every night {my dd is a pain}, I have to work. I still cook, clean, and do housework (and regardless of what you think I do more than my fair share at my mom’s). This move didn’t make my life easier, it made it harder and I am not even talking about the emotional part of it. So…why did I do it? Because our life was falling apart and because I know in the long run it wasn’t going to work. I wouldn’t have put myself through this if I didn’t think it was the only thing left for me to do to save myself.
You talk about commitment and my breaking it, yet you seem to fail to see how you broke that same commitment just in a different way. No, I couldn’t do the “till death do us part”, but could you “honor and cherish me?” Was you refusal to quit drinking honoring and cherishing me? Was lying doing those things?
You say a part of you dies every time you see me and it ends badly, but the thing is parts of me are already dead and I am trying to get them back. A part of me died whenever you would lie to me and it was only worse when I would catch you and you wouldn’t admit it (I felt crazy and lost a lot of confidence in myself and my ability to trust my own intuition). A part of me died when you would let me down and not follow through on promises. A part of me died when you wouldn’t help me and I really needed it. A part of me died when you would fall asleep on the couch and my attempts to move you to bed with me didn’t work. A part of me died when you wouldn’t go out with me anywhere. A part of me died the day you stopped being affected by my tears and would just keep yelling through them. Yet, I forgave you over and over again because of love and because of commitment, but it got to be too much.
When you yelled at me in Vernal in front of everyone a part of me woke up. I discovered an anger that I had tucked away, that I had let die because of love and because of commitment. I never felt so low, so worthless, so unloved; EVER more than in that hour. Enough was enough. I tried from that moment on to “fix” the years of destruction, to tackle the issues. Nothing seemed to work, so I left.
What I found on my own was…I didn’t miss you…I wasn’t afraid of being alone because I had already been alone for a long time, but the part of me that needed you died. The part of me that wanted to be honored and cherished had died and I am trying to get that back. I don’t want to go through life without that part of myself…there is too much joy to be missed and the level of self-sacrifice being with you was too much. I am ready to honor and cherish myself for once and I am not going to let you stand in my way anymore!
---sorry a bit long post, thanks for reading.