I just feel so aimless right now. I get anxious at the slightest things, and my mood is just generally so low. Unless I'm dosed.
When I have something to stay sober for, I can at least motivate myself to TRY. But right now... no girlfriend, no job, I was just trying to stay sober for my psychiatrist... somehow I find that funny. Welcome to my dark sense of humor and split outlook on the world (is it falling apart? is it entering a new age?)
When I'm dosed I at least DO things. I'm motivated, positive, awake. Tramadol has been my "compromise" opiate; I'm off the hard stuff. I can avoid alcohol the rest of the week now that there aren't anymore delicious Belgian ales in my fridge. As for Gabapentin, I've been prescribed 200mg 3x a day, a regimen I started just this last Sunday. It only made me sleepy. In fact I slept through the whole Superbowl haha.
About 1000mg of Gabapentin though... now that was something!
I guess I've just been replacing weed with other things for quite a while now, trying to find the things that work best. I appreciate your comment about not being "freaked out by sobriety" - that's exactly how I feel right now. I want it, but I'm afraid of it.
I will begin to find an NA group and cut out most of my beer consumption (none on weedays.)
The break-up I mentioned has remained a huge part of my mental life... even in my dreams. I see her (in my head) constantly. Is this real grief that I haven't resolved? Or is it just a symbol of my depression and drug use?
Thanks for all the replies.