SR Again -
Hi All, I wrote the words below the broken line in August 2010 after skipping work on Monday. Here I am doing the same thing again in Feb 2011. I've made little progress, so the Aug 2010 testimony applies - reading will give you some background into my situation.
As usual my life is getting unmanageable but somehow I seem to keep "getting by". My gf is getting tired and mad of my relapses as much as I am. I'm behind on many work goals and inevitably will deliver something less then what I should - this will ultimately end up really only hurting me and my future career. Spiritually, as you might imagine, im kind of on a zombie level, mostly just going through the motions. I dont want keep living the same patterns, at 29, surely its time to grow up?
Some areas of life improvement since Aug 2010 include, playing soccer regularly, reading books, occasional running/gym sessions and of course my relationship with my gf. Some improvement in church attendance and involvement as well. However, health, relationship and spiritual changes need to be taken a ton load more seriously and with greater commitment to these I'm sure I will better fill 'holes in my life' and hopefully eliminate the whole drinking mindset. My priority is to stop drinking as of yesterdays superbowl. That last one sounds kind of hollow to me. As unbelieveable as it sounds when I read it back to myself - it is what I truly want. I want to believe that I dont need booze, that life can be fun and exciting without it. i want to believe that life will be even better without it. There are many reasons to believe this - but Im not sure I believe in sobriety enough to make the daily decision to abstain.
Ive tipped out all the booze in the kitchen, then spent most of day online going through youtube videos and pouring over web pages trying to find as many gems of wisdom on staying sober as I can. It seems journaling is important - I'd like to keep one on here. Anything that folks can suggest, short and encouraging, more detailed and practical or those that feel they have been down a very similar path and want to tell me how they changed should feel free to do so..
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Today I have decided to recommit to a sober life. I am genuinely hoping that this is the last time I will do so.
The following will read like a very long stream of consciousness - apologies upfront but I feel it will be useful to be as honest and as exhaustive as possible. The more details I discuss here the more targeted advice I might potentially elicit from you folks out there. If anyone can take the time to comment and bring me closer to my goal it would be appreciated...
I can't remember the last time I was sober for more then two days. I woke up today with a hangover - its Monday morning - man that is depressing. I decided to come up with an excuse not to come in to work today and take some quality time to reflect on where I am heading in life. I felt like the last couple of weekends have been a lot better re. drinking in moderation. In reality it is still problematic. Despite many attempts to reduce drinking - ie. no hard liquor or weekend only drinking rules - they have all failed. Several times I have realised that I need to abstain completely, only to find different excuses to revert back to 'drinking in moderation'. I convince myself that I will be less inhibited and more interesting in social situations or that I deserve a little reward after a long day at work. My drinking in moderation plans work in about 3 out of 4 cases - the one out of four cases usually leaves me disappointed or worse. I guess you could say my level of drinking has trended upwards since I was a teenager. Over ten years of drinking has certainly impacted my life in many negative ways. I have managed to hide a significant fraction of my alcohol abuse problems, with only a small handfull of people knowing the full extent of the problem. My 'ability' to avoid more harsh consequences to date is largely due to the type of work that I do. As a research scientist in academia I have travelled a lot during my career and have enjoyed(?) a lot of autonomy/independence in achieving research goals. The ability to work from home and unsupervised for extended period of times has facilitated alcohol abuse while largely going unnoticed by my superiors. Although I managed a PhD and am currently holding down a postdoc research position at a university I am not reaching my potential and am likely to find myself in a great deal of trouble finding my next contract if I dont become very productive, very soon.
Thoughts of ruining my career through alcohol abuse are becoming more persistent and visions of unemployment, shame and severe depression could become reality for me over the coming months. I have seen this situation slowly but surely revealing itself for some time. It's like watching a Mack truck bearing down upon me and Im not moving, just waiting for the inevitable. For too long I have failed to take enough action and I 'trick' myself into believing that I can walk this freeway and manage to somehow avoid being hit by a truck. I have to get off this crazy, drunken douche freeway now. Seriously - sometimes Im drink driving on this freeway - which I know is an unacceptable danger to the community and myself...
Alcohol is also affecting my ability to form meaningful relationships and grow as a person. I have a christian background and have maintained at least a surface level of 'faith' over the years. My effort to maintain a relationship with God and other church folks needs to improve a boat load - I have moved to a very distant place. Although I dont consider myself to be overtly conservative or believe I have a track record of judging/condemning others for their flaws - I still feel like a huge hypocrite - especially when participating in church stuff like teaching and preaching. I feel the need to keep up the farcade of everything is ok and only occassionally discuss my problems - never revealing the full spectrum of the struggles that I have. On the one hand I do this to avoid shame and on another I am aware that it is not uncommon for each of us to have big problems in our lives - so why should I bother/burden people by my sob stories of self destruction.
On a secular level I feel as though I am wasting good opportunities to pursue an interesting career and ultimately wasting my life. I am getting fatter, reducing the time I spend playing sport/getting outdoors and likely starting cascades of every type of nasty cancer associated with booze.
Underlying my drinking problems is my introverted personality. I guess that's how I got into drinking in the first place - to lower anxiety in situations that require me to engage in conversation - particularly those with the ladies. My drinking includes at home in front of the TV as well.
My loose plan is the following. Complete 24 hours of sobriety - I've made it to about 20 hours. From there push on through the coming weekend. Weekends are definitely more difficult due to social events, BBQ's and that. I have to maintain the mindset that sobriety is the number 1 thing for me right now - no matter what I perceive the consequences of staying sober at parties might be. I have to be ok with my quietness - surely it's a better idea then getting drunk, potentially saying stupid things and likely waking up with only vague memories of what happened. Not that that happens each time that I drink but the only way to ensure that this doesnt happen is to not drink in the first place, duh!. Sounds easy in theory?! My other ideas to stay sober revolve around reminding myself how good it feels physically and emotionally to wake up sober and be able to have the energy to work through a whole day. Much of my depression comes from not achieving the things I want to because I'm tired and/or hungover. I am removing beer from the fridge, pouring wine down the sink and strapping on some running shoes in the next 30 mins or so...
One thing I'd like to include in my plan is reading testimonials of people that have overcame alcohol abuse/alcoholism. I'd like to understand more about the big picture stuff down to smaller details about how people progress from daily drinking to embracing and really enjoying a sober lifestyle. What makes these people tick, what did they change, how do they stay consistent? I'm hoping to complement my own efforts with inspirational stories of success. Perhaps there are also interesting biographies/autobiographies that people can recommend...thanks for reading...