Aware1, I agree with the others here that the comment that he is physical with her makes it sound like it is a problem with domestic violence...
Drinking can be one way that a victim of DV uses to 'escape' the reality of their situation. I'm not saying it's an excuse for alcoholism, just something to keep in mind: if there is DV, there is more that needs to be done besides just addressing the drinking. I'd also suggest that if OH's father is 'sometimes' physical with her, it is probably more often than the rest of the family is aware of. What the outside world (which is what the kids are now that they're no longer under the same roof) sees is just the tip of the problem usually.
To help OH's mom with the DV side:
- If she does decide to talk about the DV, believe her and try to be non-judgemental (just know that may be hard to do if there is drinking invovled and be aware of reactions).
- Don't be afraid to let her know you're concerned about her safety.
- Let her know that it is a scary situation that she can get help with.
- Encourage her to contact a DV resource (Adult Services and Aging, as Thumper said, if she is elderly)
A DV counselor would also be able to point her to recovery resources for alcoholism also.
To support your OH in dealing with his mom's alcoholism:
- Suggest that he (and you since you have been affected by his mom's drinking also) try to attend a couple Al-Anon meetings.
- Read up on the disease of alcoholism (I found the book "Under the Influence" by Milam and Ketcham to be very helpful.)
- Read up on the concept of detaching (Another helpful book for me was "Letting Go with Love" by Julia H.
- There are a lot of stickies at the top of the forum that contain so much information.
- Maybe tell your OH about this site and encourage him to read around.
Welcome to SR, Aware1.