Grieving the loss of the angel to rescue yourself from the devil
Yesterday was a good day with my AM...as I say that right now that seems unfair. These titles we place, my AM my AF me the ACA. Like it sums them up as a person. The problem is when you're face with a mother who is destroying you, but there were times she was your best friend. There were the times she was vivacious and loving and sweet and everything anyone may ever want in a mother. But those times are fewer than the others.
I'm attempting as best I can to set boundaries and take care of myself so I can better enjoy the good times, and not fall into the bad times. However in order to get away from the bad I miss some good. In order to see some good I get some extra bad.
Until I can find more peace within myself I have decided to give some space from myself and my mother. Yet today when I woke up I was upset and couldn't figure out why. It was because yesterday she was my mom, not the alcoholic. I know their all one in the same but when they act so differently, it makes it harder.
So here I sit on my couch watching "The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood" a movie that has entirely too many parrallels for me, I realized why I'm sad. It would be easier if she was an AM and never just my mother. It would be easier if she was never the amazing person that has everything I wish I could be. Sadly because she's never found recovery that is also wrapped up and entwined in the pain and hardship she has never attempted to release.
So today I'm allowing myself something different then I ever thought. I am letting myself grieve. Grieve for the amazing woman who is dead 80% of the time.