Ooh, thanks guys, I was forgetting how the mere act of asking our "permission" puts us in a no-win situation. UNLESS we refuse to play the game. It's tricky, because with a non-alcoholic partner, it would be considerate for them to ask us if we minded if they made plans.
This is where boundaries come in, I think. And they have to be carefully drawn. After all, we do want them to ask us how we feel before making certain decisions--making an expensive purchase with money from the family account, for example. But things like, "can I go out with the guys" is something that a kid would ask his parents. And a potential trap for us.
Maybe we need to think about WHY we would rather they not go out (if that's the case) and word our response accordingly. If we had counted on their being home to do something with us, we could say we'd rather they didn't, because xxx. If it's just that we don't want them out drinking, we could simply say, "It's up to you--it won't interfere with my evening."
Dealing with an alcoholic is like walking through a mine field, isn't it?