Hi
BobbyJ,
to Sober Recovery.
I am glad you had the opportunity to go to the rehab family sessions and learn about alcoholism. Reading about the disease of alcoholism (and addiction) truly helped me to get emotional distance from the alcoholics and addicts in my life, some of whom are permanent in my life such as family I don't want to completely exclude, and some of whom are people I allow into my daily life (past, present or future). Getting this emotional distance is part of detachment and it frees me up to focus on that which I CAN control: Me.
Whether or not the damage that has been done can be undone IMO is not the question. Because thinking this way truly neglects what you can control in your life, and focuses on whether or not someone is going to do what we want them to do to "fix" or "undo" how they treat(ed) us in a relationship. No, you cannot undo the past
BobbyJ, and you cannot dictate how someone else treats us, but you can improve your future and you can treat yourself the way you want to be treated, no matter what anyone else does or doesn't do.
For me, the true question is what do YOU want for your life? What are your personal dreams, goals, ambitions, wishes, interests, etc? Because when we neglect or ignore those things, we neglect and ignore OURSELVES. Doing so tends to cause us to focus on others and how they make us feel, and just react to whatever occurs in our lives. Being in a close relationship with an alcoholic or addict is exhausting. The focus and attention tends to be taken up entirely by THEM, what they want, what they do, how they behave, what they say, etc. There is barely time or energy to devote to ourselves and our self-care. And the anger created by living with a person like this can overwhelm a person's life. We remain in reaction mode.
Can you make a list? A list of all the things you want for your life, how it looks and feels, what activities and goals you would like for yourself? Because once we know what we want, and have it really concrete in our minds, then we have something to make decisions by. Lists have always helped me to remember every day what I need to remember. We can use it to decide what we are going to do next in order to get where we want to go. We can use it to decide whether or not whatever comes into our life matches up with what WE want for our life.
It seems as though one of the things you would like is to have a better relationship with your daughter. If that is the case, I would suggest that first you examine how you feel about the past and the present with regards to this relationship, and then to forgive yourself for any "mistakes" you may have made. To lose the guilt and blame and shame surrounding her and how the way you raised her may have caused her addiction and/or alcoholism. Because NONE of that is yours to own
BobbyJ. I assume that she is in her twenties and honestly, a woman in her twenties is a grown woman, completely capable of making her own decisions about her life. SHE chooses to drink or drug as SHE sees fit. That is not on you. And what comes out of her mouth about you is MEANT to guilt, blame and shame YOU into accepting responsibility for HER choices and behavior. Those things are a huge part of alcoholism and addiction (having a scapegoat, someone to blame in order to continue the addictive behavior).
Well, this post is loaded. I hope something I've said here is helpful to you. What I know from my own life is that you have two paths before you. One is a path of Recovery, and the other is a path that continues down the same road from which you have come. I chose the path of Recovery and it changed my life for so much better. I started with Al-Anon and hope you will consider doing so too. (((hugs))) :ghug3