I have deep respect & admiration for you.
It takes guts to do what you are doing.
Peace - priceless.
Something that helped me when breaking up with XABF was going to AA meetings.
It helped me realize what it took for alcoholics to start changing.
It helped me understand what solid recovery looks like. And how long it takes when it is for real.
It helped me understand what rock bottoms can look like.
It was very very helpful to talk about my side of the story with alcoholics.
It was priceless to get their feedback. (RUN and be happy you are not an alcoholic, in a nutshell).
AA/Alanon, where the courage of others adds to yours...
Hugs!! you can do this.