Still get almost like flashbacks
I've been sober for 6 mos. When I was drinking I mostly was 'functional' and would start drinking at like 4pm and then drink until say 11,12. Averaging a drink an hour or a little more. Then a couple of times a year I'd lose it totally and drink for a few days on end. Like drink first thing for a couple of hours. Then stop until noon. Then drink for another hour. Then start again at dinner etc. You know - cos I was so in control :rotfxko. I'd do this for a few days and then manage to rein myself back in and go back to 'normal'.
I'm in the middle of a period where I'd totally be drinking like that. I had people in town this weekend so I'd have started with them. Then we've been snow/iced in. Today we woke up with no power. I know without doubt that i'd be mid-bender right now.
This morning I was downstairs (where we have a gas fire) with my kids I came upstairs to get a banana for my 2 year old. I could just see myself going to the freezer for the vodka and knocking back a strong screwdriver. I could feel the excitement of it. The relief of my hangover easing up. The comfort of knowing I could drink all morning with no repercussions. School is canceled! We're iced in! There's nothing else to do!
It is just so so weird to me that that was my life not long ago. What was I thinking? I mean I know what I was thinking because I can recreate the feeling pretty easily. But I don't know.
I don't know what my point is but thanks for reading
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