(For anyone who is unfamiliar with my story it may not be feasible to read my 'so i went to see him in hospital' thread as it is very long, so a quick back story: my 37 year old AH and I have been seperated for 9 months. we have a 3 year old daughter. he is seriously ill in hospital right now having been diagnosed with cirrhosis 11 days ago)
So AH is still desperately ill - possible kidney infection now (hepatomarenal syndrome), if this is what he has, things definitley have a dire outlook and survival in time for a transplant looks grim. Hopefully the kidney problem its just a side effect of the medication for the ascites. And his liver function has improved slightly but not significantly.
I just dont think i can take anymore - I feel like in my heart that he will die and I feel TERRIBLE for thinking that as I feel that if he is going to, I hope it is soon and his pain and suffering will just be over and we dont have to run around like headless chickens anymore grabbing onto every shred of hope! I feel like we are all living in limbo right now
Every bad thing I hear I just become inconsolabale and keep thinking of the worst possible thing, like his death and final moments.
You cant get anything positive from AH - when a doctor talk to him its like he has a negative filter - he only absorbs and listens to bad stuff!
This morning his mother said he called her saying that he was very upset so she went up there to talk to the doctor herself and find out what was going on. This sent me in to a 3 hour sobbing fest during which I had a mini panic attack, all in front of my poor baby girl. Thank god my friend was here.
I am trying to be strong and positive but feel the strength just draining out of me like I have a leak somewhere that I cant find!!