I just left my AH 2 weeks ago. He was extremely violent.
Someone on here told me to read the book "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft.
I have started the book and am awakened and shocked to say the least. Essentially, the book opened my eyes to help me see him as consciously manipulating me, my emotions, my life.
I think if you read this book, you will find what you need without his validation.
If he is a violent man, when you push or simply stand up to him, YOU WILL PAY THE PRICE he sees fit to bestow on you. I promise you.
I stood up to my AH repeatedly thinking who was he to treat me this way and I was literally beat to within inches of my life on several occasions. I actually said outloud, "I can't believe this is happening."
I did not know how afraid I was of him until I left. Even now, something as simple as going to game site he played on makes me shake inside.
Read the book. Read the book. It will help you see through all the confusion you are carrying. I believe that.