Hi and wellcome,
sorry to hear about the reason that brought you here but glad you have found us.
I understand your pain. Been there not that long ago. I second the advice you don't have to figure out everything straight away.
My STBXAH was drinking for years, last year he got himself so sick he ended up in hospital, diagnosed with liver cirrhosis, given a poor chance for survival, but he did survive. He stayed sober for 5 months and than he started drinking again. You know that feeling, when the world crushes around you. I have left my H and filed for divorce, I simply couldn't do it any more. I'm not saying that is what you should do, but only that you should give yourself time to think things through and decide what is best for you.
When my STBXAH sobered up, I was so happy, I thought all my problems were solved, I knew that is not realistic but I thought that. I remeber talking to a woman from Al anon who said that her husband is sober for 6 years, going to AA, and that he still has bad mood swings, and that she still dreads the thought of him drinking again every day. Her words weighted heavy on me. Once STBXAH relapsed I stuck around him for another month, but I couldn't shake off that thought that even if he stops again there will still be a possibility there for him to drink again. It just felt like a life filled with fear. And than I thought I have spent the last 8 years of my life (my 30's) dealing with his alcoholism, living in constant fear what will happen next. And I guess I just had enough of it, I wanted different life for myself and our kids, I didn't want to keep fighting reality any more, I just wanted to relax and finally become aware that I'm alive too, that I deserve happiness and peace.
I don't know if any of this is helpful to you, I just wanted to share my story hoping you'll find it usefull.
The pain will lessen and eventually go away when you come to the place where you can make the decision your heart knows it is the right one. Reaching that place will take as long as it needs to. There is a saying in recovery: You are right where you need to be. learn from your expericences and you'll end up where you're meant to be. It is a process, a painful one, but if you choose to learn and grow from it, it could be almost worth all the suffering, IMO.
Take care.