For my own reasons, I am trying to work it out with my AH. I do love him and hope for the best for him.
What I want to share with you is that this is a choice I have made and it's hard to explain but a year ago I forced him out of the house and got myself back to work and somehow made things work out for me and my 3 kids. I did that almost as an insane person.
I am just so glad to be at the point where I no longer feel insane and I can take my time and decide how I want the rest of my life to be.
Much of what my AH says no longer affects me (not all the time and mostly because we don't have a lot of contact) and through counseling I am learning how to stick up for myself or just drop it. This is what I need for me and as for our relationship, it is what it is right now - a marriage on paper.
Not sure if you are understanding what I am trying to share. In the past when my AH said to me "nobody is gonna love you more" I felt the same way you do. Now if he ever says that to me again, I know even though I love him those words will not affect me and I will know them for what everyone calls the "quacking" of the alcoholic.
If I do hear those words from AH again I will have further confirmation of the long road it is for him to recover and I will know he is wrong because I love myself more and that is all that matters.
It took me a long time to get to this point and it is hard when all of sudden I was faced with the prospect of being a single mom. I couldn't even imagine what I would do if I was already a single mom. Although it is like I am and have been for a long time. I am so glad I took the step to get back to work and it was hard at first and still hard sometimes at my age. Even if AH actively seeks true recovery, the time I spend while he is doing that will be for me and what is best for me and my kids future - in truth if I plan for a good future alone, having him in that future as a recovered A may or may not be a plus.