Right, here's something I really do not understand, at all. Most of what happens with my husband's ex I kind of understand, the vileness, aggressiveness, memory loss (i.e. denying she's said things or denying he's asked her things, even when we have texts as proof!!!), but this thing really gets me and I find myself pondering it obsessively. So, can anyone help with trying to explain, perhaps those who have lived with, or are living with alcoholics.
My husband's ex knows we are critical of her care of my stepdaughter. If my ex had ever criticised me for how the boys appeared when he collected them for contact, then there's no way they would ever appear that way again (a dirty shirt, or grubby face, that kind of thing). Last Tuesday, stepdaughter's birthday and we were having her. The night before my husband texted his ex and asked her, very politely, if she could ensure his daughter's hair was clean and deloused for her party, because we wouldn't have time to do it. She texted back and said that she didn't need telling when daughter's hair needed washing, and that daughter didn't have nits. True enough, on the Tuesday her hair was reasonable (didn't check for nits, but she was scratching so I kept the other girls away from her head, if that makes sense). On Friday he collected her for weekend contact and her hair was manky, greasy and she was full of headlice.
What I don't get is why this woman doesn't think to herself 'F him, I'll show him I can care for her. I'll show him I can wash her hair and deal with her lice. Then he can go shove it'. Why doesn't she want to prove herself right, and prove us wrong? Why does she seemingly want to fuel our knowledge that she isn't caring for her daughter properly? It's always been the same, and I really, really don't get it. A few years back, before my husband passed his driving test, he used to go and get his daughter on the bus. He arrived at their home to collect her one Saturday morning, and both his daughter and mum came to the door. This was 11am. As soon as he saw his daughter he could see lice literally on top of her hair, not underneath, and there was one crawling down her forehead. He looked at his ex, then his daughter's head, and she picked a few lice off the top of her head with her fingers. He said to her 'WTF is this?', and she just shrugged her shoulders and said 'haven't had time'. He pointed out that this amount of lice was from days of non-treatment and that is was disgusting, not good enough and downright cruel, grabbed his daughter's hand and made off. On the bus on the way back to ours the poor kid had lice visibly crawling around on top of her head, so much so that he was sure other people would see them, so he put his jacket on her head to at least stop them being visible to others. Once home, the first thing we did was wash her hair and wetcomb the lice out, and I must have got out over a hundred adult lice. He sent a text there and then to his ex telling her that we had photographed the lice (we did) and would be sending the photo to Social Service, and that if he ever saw their daughter like that again he would remove her from her mother. Nothing back from her, and nothing has changed. Why?
Is it that alcohol consumes a person so much they are simply unable to see how they are treating others. I don't know, but I wish I did.