I hate the label "co-dependent" but recognize that I am. If I were not a codie, the minute I saw unacceptable behaviors, I would have known that I don't deserve this & left. If I were not a codie, I would listen to the voice s within that say, "this is wrong!", respect my intuitions & honor my feelings. If I were not a codie, I wouldn't have selected an A for a partner, stayed with him for 14 years, praying/believing he would change. . .(and *I* would be that loving, wonderful partner who would "help" him to that change).
As long as an A can continue his drinking & keep from hitting his lowest low (whether it's his government job, roof over his head, a wife who stays with him through his hell, etc), he is being enabled.
My heart goes out to you. We codies have to hit our bottom too, sometimes, because we are often as deeply addicted to our A's as they are to their substances. When my RAH was in his active alcoholism, I used to tell him; "If you aren't addicted to alcohol, then don't drink for one week." His answer (when he was in denial) was "I could quit whenever I want. I just don't a want to right now." I guess the same question is "If I am not an enabler/codie, then why I do I put up with this? Why don't I just walk away?" I had all my reasons (excuses) too. (I did hit my bottom & I did walk away. He went into recovery. I decided I need recovery too. We are each doing our own recovery. We tried counseling but we are in different places in our recovery. I think working on ourselves separately works best for us right now. We are physically separated but together now as a couple.)
I am an ACOA & now that I am not all immersed in my RAH's drinking *and* his recovery, I am seeing how growing up in (in)active alcoholism/co-dependence has so deeply & intricately affected & influenced my whole being (& just about every single life decision I have made).
Best & warm prayers to all of you here. The SR Forum is part of my recovery & healing efforts. Thank you for this thread. I appreciate reading what everyone is going through & has gone through.