So many of you made such excellent points, I am thankful for them all, and will go back and respond directly to some.
First though, you need to know something about me.
I have a bad temper.
During our marriage my ex was very good to me, very generous. He took care of me and pampered me.
But there was a few problems. The biggest one was that I simply can't stand it when married men supplement their sex lives with their wives with online sexual fantasies. He wouldn't stop this behavior, he wouldn't stop lying about it, he even threw it in my face sometimes.
I felt absolutely betrayed. I think this is no different than the alcohol use. I think it serves a similar purpose; to numb, to drug up (this time on natural oxycotin and dopomine, and possibly seratonin, I'm not sure). Anyway, it drove me crazy, absolutely nuts. I wanted this situation settled, fixed, and put to rest once and for all. He didn't refuse, he simply continued on with his behavior, dismissing even disregarding my feelings, whereas I had expected this to be fixed within a few weeks of discussions. Those discussions didn't happen. It was a war, and I lost my temper often about this.
I never even looked at another man. I adored, admired, and put my exh on a pedestal so very high. I loved him deeply. Did I love him too deeply? Was this simply codependency to want him to stop this behavior? I think the debate on this subject goes on forever and a day. From my perspective, a married man does not need this if he has a willing and able partner. It's not like I was turning him down, quite the contrary.
He has a past that involves a lot of sexual things that I would never do. This may be simply a matter of different sexual boundaries and never shall the two meet.
I simply don't know how a man can feel that his online stuff is more important than his wife's feelings. The decision seems simple enough to me: stop the behavior.
I became more obsessed with this than the alcohol because I took it more personally, even though the alcohol abuse was nearly daily, and often 7 days a week. It was extreme, but I didn't take that as a personal slight.
In the end, after 7 years without progress, him digging his heels in, lying about it, sneaking, etc., and me playing disturbed detective, I went nuts. I started moving out, spent a year on the couch, and then had an exit affair filed for divorce.
I didn't want this other man. I wanted my husband. It was my temper again. I wanted revenge, I guess. I was also so tired of being ignored, because the last year my ex spent the entire year in the bottle, and there was no intimacy or even kindness.
I didn't want a divorce. But I made one happen.
See how bad my temper is? I ruined my own life.
The frustration of not being able to solve this thing which I think should have been simple to solve and could have been solved immediately, drove my temper so deep I didnt' even know I was angry. I thought I just wanted out. Now that we've been separated for six months, I realize I didn't want either. 7 years was too long to never reach a conflict resolution.
So now we talk once in awhile, but he punishes me in the worst ways. He disregards my feelings completely sometimes. I could tell him I've been depressed, and he ignores it. The battle continues on, the abuse. I have stopped any and all abuse, and he is going full force.
He has even said that in the future we could try again. I think we love each other deeply, madly, passionately, and in our past, abusively and dramatically, with all the bad drama as well as the good stuff.
We have discussed somewhat this possbility of a future. If I didn't get that message from sometimes, I would finish detaching and move on. He could be tormenting me on purpose with absolutely no plans to ever get back together, this of course being my worst fear. I don't know how deep his anger is at this point, so I don't know if he would do that or not. He has a terrible temper too, but he always drowned it in the bottle. He is just as stubborn as I am, we are both the epitome of stubbornness. In many ways, we are alike.
I will give him several months to work on his sobriety and figure out where he is going. I have had someone very nice ask me out recently, and I turned him down after a couple very friendship only type dates because of where my head is at.
So my life is on hold, and my exh abuses me by dismissing my feelings as irrelevant, and I take it. It is driving me into a deep depression.
I know I need to work on me. What I'm trying to do right now is figure out how to work on me with this rather dismal hope that I haven't let go of.
I did ask him a couple months ago if he still felt that online sex stuff was ok for a married man. He lectured and chastised me about my problems and issues, then said that no, he doesn't think it is ok. I wonder if that was a moment's thought, or if this issue could finally be put to rest between us.
I know a lot of married women simply put up with this behavior. I have refused. I came from a religious family (although I am not) however, this issue stays with me. It was never thought of as acceptable in my family growing up, in his it was, and his dad had a huge collection of magazines and books (pre-internet and dvd of course).
It is scary to have destroyed and left my marriage when that is not what I wanted. Anger can blind a person. 7 years to resolve an issue though, is rather extreme patience, I think.
When I talk to him, it feels like all the blame is on me. I'm not sure how he deals with his own anger and flaws, as he has so much pride, more than I've ever seen in any person in my lifetime, and didn't even tell me he was working on his sobriety, because he has too much pride to even say it. I had to figure it out through the vague references to working on himself.
I am very glad he is working on sobriety, even if he throws me in the trash can. I do love him independently of having a relationship with him, and I would like to hear that he is healthy one day, even if not with me.
I can't bring myself to ever think that married men are entitled to online sexual fantasies. If he simply watched it, without hiding it, on the rare occasion, that would be alright. It is the acting out while watching it and being secretive. It felt the same as if he was having affairs.