Well let me start off by congratulating you on your 4 months. I can understand what you are talking about in regards to the emotional roller coaster ride. I'm a little over 1 year sober now and I still get down on myself too. My sponsor tells me its natural that we do get emotional, after all we are no longer running and hiding from our emotions anymore but now we are facing them head on without taking a drink, hit or pill. A lot of people in the rooms tell me that sobriety isn't all cherries, we are going to have our bad times but getting messed up isn't an option for us anymore. Sometimes I often wonder if sobriety is often worth it. But then I remember that drinking (for me anyways) is what got me into this predicament in the first place. Like you mentioned if I go back to drinking I'll be where I was and have nothing. That everything (very little by the way) that I've gained in sobriety will just be lost. I know that I can't be in the rut that I'm in forever, that this too shall pass. I'm currently unemployed and it sucks. I don't know where I'm going to get money to pay my rent and other bills that I have to pay. I still owe the county I live in a little more than $2400 in restitution for my last dui. Drinking won't solve those problems for me but will probably make things worse. I'm trying to go to the Navy but the recruiters told me I can't go while on court probation and owing restitution still. I go to court this Friday to speak to the judge to see if I could possibly work off the money I owe, which is quite a lot. All I can do is pray that the judge will let me.