Julesandshoes

My heart, & gratitude. You made me breath. Cry, THINK, and there was a smile in there feeling like "Omg...They Know. Been there, done that, & are healing up nicely." My Family & Friends are in utter disbelief & shock that I planned my life, my home & a family with this man. (I was told a Relationship intervention!! was in the works.) I had a sad smile about the Chair throwing: Ours was Cel phones, & handy Misc objects; I Duck Better than I thought...and Not so proud, I can return a spiral pass of a Blackberry, but cannot get out of a full body pin-down....Gross, Sad, recollections of skills? I never imagined.
I reread all my "stuff". I come off like a hapless victim. A wide-eyed googly innocent. I'm not. If anything...I think my biggest "contribution" was judgement & anger; Fuel to the fire. (Also, he was a BAD liar, even over the phone, so I had a Lot I chose to Pick at, & Call him out on....& generally I did so!) I'm now reading your posts and experiences, so much resonates. Thank You for sharing them. My Biggest Fear: I Love Him. Still, I Love Him deeply, inspite of it ALL....and I'm afraid that he was my "True Love"...the big one that stays with you?....and that I will never FEEL for anyone what I've felt for him. That the good times, when he made me Feel so completely loved & contented, and "Home"...I'm petrified, that I will never feel that for or from anyone again.
(And...Real Messed up, as to HOW I, or my Heart, Chose Such a Disaster?...I've been in love with men any parent would celebrate having in the family. Solid, Stable, Accomplished, Loving Men. (I broke up with a Pediatric Surgeon, because I thought he was "kinda" controlling, & Arrogant?! Another "Lovely man" who just wanted a wife & family to dedicate his life to: & I wanted to travel, & babies were not in my future.....) And THIS Guy Is The One I can't erase from my Rear View Mirror?...Gees. Let Alone, jumped in with both feet & Planned To Marry??) I am fearful that I AM the "Broken" one...for choosing him, for being in it so long when it was SO SO bad & unhealthy (for Both of us.)....My secret fear, is that Iam the broken one....& I will Never feel the way I did, when things were good with us.