Yeah, "high alert" is a crappy way to live. Have you tried Al-Anon?
One thing I heard some where long ago in another life was "If you walk into a forest for 10 miles, it takes you 10 miles to walk out". And that's assuming you are actually going the right direction the whole time.
I remember pondering that when I was trying to decide whether or not to try one more "chance". I started calculating the time in years it took axw and I to get to where we were, and I gotta tell you, I didn't have it in me. I glad it turned out the way it has.
I'm a classic Al-Anon, I'm a world class, blue ribbon winning, worrier (80% better than before, but still), and for me waiting for the other shoe to drop would be worst than it actually dropping. Eff that.
Keep coming back.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
ETA. That control thing is all about our fears and trying to control our environment to minimize the fear IMHO. I got a touch of that.