StarCat

I would agree in most cases, but there is one exception in my mind.

I know that my relationship with XABF was toxic, and not healthy for me. For my own sanity, though, I needed to figure out if I wanted to give him yet another chance, if he started to get his act together. I just had to know if there was a chance it would work...

But looking at some of the issues he has, besides the alcohol, I know now that it is wasted effort, because there are some things deep in his personality that I do not believe he will ever change, and they are not compatible with the wonderful person I intend to become through my healing process. He is who he is, and I am becoming who I was meant to be, and we are going in opposite directions.
So I have been learning to let go, at least mostly, and much more than I would have if I did not come to that conclusion. I care about him, and I wish him the best, but he is not my burden, and a sober XABF will just become XRABF. This discovery is how I am managing to hold strong, even though he has started trying to open communications with me. I am not strong enough to talk to him yet, but I am strong enough to not get sucked back in, and that is a wonderful start.


In short, concentrating solely on THEM is a bad idea, a delaying tactic, and slows down your own recovery.
Concentrating on them just enough to determine what YOU want to do with the rest of the relationship, however, can help you move forward with your own recovery, with at least some idea of your hopes and dreams for the future.