I've never denied the fact that if drugs weren't such a hassle and didn't take me to such awful places, I'd still be doing them. There's still a part of me that wants the sort of wild life, the selfishness, and the rush. That's no surprise. When I started doing drugs they had their purpose in my life, but after a while it just wasn't worth what they were taking away.
My mind comes up with some pretty random stuff sometimes when I'm dreaming. In my dreams I'm usually trying to find a way out of using, the opportunity has been presented, friends are offering it to me or even pressuring me to take it, and I'm finding any excuse possible not to do it. And while that's happening there's usually a disturbing situation happening around me in my dream. Last night I dreamed that I was at work on an oil rig (I actually do work on one IRL) and there were a bunch of rig hands crowding around me and my ex (who got me started on drugs) was there but if he helped me out of the crowd of menacing rig hands I had to do dope with him. I'm not sure if that says more about my relationship with him or drugs, come to think of it. The night before that my sister was trying to sell me some dope (and she's never touched it. No idea how she ended up in that dream).
I don't feel shaky about using again, I'm done and glad to be. But maybe I'll go sacrifice a goat just to be on the safe side?