Originally Posted by
wicked 
Hello hopingforlife,
It might be best not to try to figure it out right now.
It took me many years to learn and actually absorb the knowledge that my father's alcoholic rages had nothing to do with me.
Absolutely nothing.
He would line us up (all four of us) and question us like prisoners of war. My youngest brother was about 6 years old.
What could he do to enrage my father? Why nothing of course.
It is not your fault, and it is only your problem until you realize it is not about you.
Horrible to be yelled at by a parent, scary, frightening, and uncalled for, but they do it anyway.
hopingforlife, (excellent name btw) get some counseling to let go of your childhood and figure out what you want out of life.
Beth
Hmmm.
Yeah, definitely nothing to do with me, she hates *everyone*. Similar to your father, just a totally freaky nasty attitude toward people. Hmmm.
I just started alanon last week, and had about 10 years of counseling starting after my father died, but i had so many problems because of my being reared by her that i had to learn how to function in pretty basic ways, so couldn't really focus alot of the alcoholism.
I guess part of me is trying to accept the "disease" part, which i do get a little bit, but it's hard to understand it really. And i'm finding it difficult to not think she's a pos when the behavior is so freaky. I figure it might help me not to detest her and stop hoping she drops dead.
But i guess that is still focusing on *her* and not me. okay, thanks. i ordered a handful of acoa books a few days ago, hopefully they say how to stop thinking of *her* bs instead of my future as a more happy, less bitter, more functional human being. *sigh*
I will make it one of my missions to focus on me and my future instead of her freakiness. I figured also it would help me to not detest her? It would probably just lead to more questions, right?