Hello hopingforlife,
It might be best not to try to figure it out right now.
It took me many years to learn and actually absorb the knowledge that my father's alcoholic rages had nothing to do with me.
Absolutely nothing.
He would line us up (all four of us) and question us like prisoners of war. My youngest brother was about 6 years old.
What could he do to enrage my father? Why nothing of course.
It is not your fault, and it is only your problem until you realize it is not about you.
Horrible to be yelled at by a parent, scary, frightening, and uncalled for, but they do it anyway.
hopingforlife, (excellent name btw) get some counseling to let go of your childhood and figure out what you want out of life.
Beth