SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information - View Single Post - The Lovely Porn Video I Found On My Computer

07-27-2004, 08:19 AM

# 12 (permalink)

Member

Join Date: Jul 2004

Posts: 47

I want to thank you all so much for your replies. I have been dealing with these feelings for so long all alone that it is wonderful to now have a community to which I can vent when the frustration becomes too much. I only hope that I can soon learn the skills and wisdom that would allow me to offer support to others in return.

At the risk of sharing TMI, I would explain to people like Bliss that porn addictions can indeed be quite destructive, both to the addict and to people s/he loves. My husband has created a completely dysfunctional relationship with sex. He has an extreme type of *****-Madonna complex. He is unclear where this stemmed from. But the more he loves someone, the less able he is to be sexually intimate with her. For him, sexual behavior was about release/escape for him only. The other person was like a masturbatory doll for him to work with. Sex had no intimacy, no mutuality, and no emotion. Honestly it became something much easier for him to deal with when he was alone, stoned and watching internet porn. Interestingly, he wouldn't do this when he was horny. He did it when stressed, upset, or angry, as a way of relieving tension.

So when we were dating, we both were quick to realize that this is a major problem for our relationship. His inability to connect intimacy with his sexual release was problematic. He is the most affectionate, demonstrative man (sometimes overly demonstrative) but when we attempted to have sex, he could barely function. He was happy to please me but his true arousal remained connected to that solo, computer-porn-assisted onanism.

We went to sex therapy, did lots of exercises and were able to have some improvement. Yet it was clear from the therapist that he had to stop the counterproductive behaviors, and focus on relearning the connection between intimacy and sex. He tried to give it up, but was always having slips during times of stress. Finally he installed an accountability program on his computer such that whenever he visited a site, his sponsor would get an e-mail. That helped decrease his urge tremendously, by report.

But last Thursday he broke down his computer and put it in the basement. I guess he started jonesing for the computer and broke down and used mine (something he says he hasn't done before since his whole ritual related to his computer, his desk chair, etc.) This upsets me on so many levels. First that I was brought into it again. For some reason (probably related to self-esteem and desirability issues) this addiction of his bothers me more than any of the others I have found. I almost feel like I am in competition with those, as Day so aptly put it, airbrushed skanks! Intellectually, I do know better, but somehow this behavior makes me feel so wounded. Add to this that we have been trying to conceive for almost a year now but have to rely on artificial measures mostly because he is still rarely able to finish during intercourse (not to mention that I am 41 and the eggs are old). I just want this area to get better, in addition to the other dysfunctions. And I realize that they are all tied together. Helping one helps them all.

My husband is at the core a good man. This is not self-delusion. I know this in my heart. I also know that he has developed these addictive behaviors because of his personal history. This doesn't excuse the behaviors, but I know that he came by them honestly. I feel him struggling to rid himself of his demons. I never get the sense that he is manipulating or playing me. He so wants to get better to have the life together that we hoped for on our wedding day. He is just struggling to get there. I know he is trying so hard and not just telling me that he is trying. It is just that I feel I'm running out of patience during the process.

Yet I must say that having understanding support groups in my life, like I now have (as of this past week), makes a lot of difference. I can vent, read others words and experiences, and decompress. I feel much more balanced today than I have after other slips. For that I owe you all much thanks.

Marci & Catlady: Thank you both for sharing the information about COSA and Sex-Anon. That will also be helpful.

My computer is now locked. I did it both because of my needs and his request. I cannot face the thought of finding more material and he does not want the temptation since he knows that he is not able to resist as much as he had hoped. I used a program called Lock my PC which is more than a net nanny. The computer will not work unless the password is entered. Sure he could try to crack it, but in the time it takes to crack it, he might look at the wedding picture on my desk and say, "what the heck am I doing?" Or he might not. In any event, it will be on him. I've done what I can for me.

I know I am being so redundant, but thank you all so much. I feel much more at peace now.