still here
I have decided to go on and leave tomorrow. I have just been sitting here thinking and not 1 good thing has ever came of this house. I was once a mother of a very loving beautiful little girl and it was being here that started my ugly road to losing the greatest love of my life. It was in this house that my mother allowed my sister to steal my first love out from under me. It was this house where due to my mother spending more time at the bar than home that I lost even more of my innocence because when she wasn't home it was open season for my brothers friends and neighborhood alley cats to abuse me! Its been in this house that I have watched myself get pushed around used and humiliated. It was my mother who never stood up for me! When my mom actually took me out of this house to a small town in a school were I was not put in "special" classes and I even managed to make the honor roll It was stolen from me. My cousin moved in with us and he me at every opportunity. Instead of standing up for me she moved me back to this house back to my "special" classes and back to more torment and buried the situation! While my cousin went on to join the army do 2 tours in Iraq get promoted to drill instructor marry a great women and have 2 awesome little girls. I am not allowed to hold a grudge or really even mention the "situation" because he died.It was in this house not 2 months ago that I was subjected to my mother and aunt sitting here laughing and jokeing about the size of my cousins "asset" and what a waste it was he wasn't here anymore. It was my mom who kust let it slide when I was abused by my english tutor although I did go thru the r.k. in the hospital that night. It was in this house that I got the call from the detective informing me that there would be no charges because they believed it was "consentual".
I was just sitting here thinking about all the things that this house REALLY mean to me. It was this house that I was banished to from my Dad because my mother chose to cheat on my Dad. For the love of all! Dad left me at home with mom and took my bro and sis on an overnight fishing trip. SOO mommy gives me nyquil to put me to sleep. I accidently woke up to early couldn't find her aanywhere and just thought she was at work, so I call work (911 dispatcher). The lady working puts 2 and 2 together sends a police officer out to sit with me and puts a.p.b.s out for my mom and dad. They found her IN A BAR with another man!!! My life up until that point was almost normal!!
So here I sit really worried about these people who in my life have never once rallied round me and supported me. Everytime I have found even the slightest bit of happiness it been on my own away from hell!!so why why why do I feel even the slightest bit of remorse,worry, or responsibility for the loss of this house of horrors?? I know this all sounds super unbelievable but this is my life.They say God will only give You what he knows You can handle. I say I wish I wasn't so trusted. I don't even know whats left for me? I will never have a relationship with a "normal man" because I come with more baggage than the lost and found at JFK.I can't really hold a steady job because I am severelly mentally scarred. If I walk away I will not have any family although I didn't real have any to begin with. So whats out there for me?? A life alone people feeling sorry for me? how do I get passed this??