Thanks Rayn. On one hand I've been doing really well. Then I let thoughts creep in. I find that how I feel is always on an uphill scale with waves if that makes sense. So when I have a down day (today would be one) I feel positive in that the next down day will better than this one as things keep moving up the scale. I've actually had days in the last two weeks where I was "happy" as in focused on things and activities and there was no negativity or worrying about someone else. Basically being non-depressed and focused on normal things. The first time in years that had happened. It was pretty amazing.
You are right about posting about him lately. I have been upset lately. I can't remember how it started. I know when he sent the "Please help me!" message, I wasn't so much upset about him - I'm know his games well. But I think I have been punishing myself because I feel like I fell for a trick and feel stupid. I get tired of feeling like a fool. I feel like a fool and I feel like no matter how hard I try - counseling, al-anon and reading up, I f* up. And I get tired of this person always focusing on me and trying to manipulate, contact me, get a rise out of me, throw me under the bus behind my back to old friends or people I used to work with. I just want to live my life and it's as though this person is constantly thinking of some way to try to wrap me up in it and I fall for it. I hate it. This actually brought tears to my eyes. Didn't realize how upset I am about this today.